I sat on the couch late Sunday night painting my fingernails with the classic polish. Not like many of us own any polish that doesn't dry instantly anymore. The late night was slowly slipping into the wee hours of the morning as I blew my nails dry.
We spent the night enjoying watching the football game with some friends. I celebrate having known Mitchell for four years more than I actually celebrate the game.
The past two months I have felt plagued by over-commitment and failure as once New Years Resolutions slid off the page and packed their bags for hibernation. In my defeat my once confident, badass, girl boss self weeped into a complacent shadow of silence, though my calendar was packed tighter and tighter. I realized though that silence isn't always that bad. In the silence I can hear what is around me more clearly.
My silence has turned my mind into more like a dominating anxiety that is strangling the person within, vying for my already unfocused attention.
February came, and I decided to actually start taking care of myself again. I am very versed in taking care of everyone but myself, and also trying to take care of too many people.
I was told recently that our mental energy can be understood like a Lego set. You have a limited number of blocks to create with. Everyone you engage in relationship with gets a block. Activities also get a book. My work gets multiple blocks. My education gets a block. My husband gets a block, but more deserves ten blocks. Eventually you run out of blocks without keeping any for yourself. Some relationships we must turn down, and some friendships we must let go, not because they are bad, but simply because we are out of blocks.
I have been trying to give the extra 10% when my tank hit the E three weeks back. January came and I felt like I push starting the car, but in the dark, in the rain, and there was an elephant on top of the car, and the world on my back.
That is unsustainable.
So February I am starting by keeping a few more blocks to myself. Not out of any reason, but that I only have limited hours in my day, and I need to take care of myself first, in order to manage my life around me.